Sundaze: capacity & reciprocity

a journal prompt on relationships

I used to measure affection by reciprocity. Relationships were transactional, I would put in the energy I got back. But there are some relationships that exist beyond this idea of exchange.

A friend and advisor, who teaches movement therapy at Sarah Lawrence, told me not everyone has the capacity to love in the same way. After all, people only know how to love the way they were loved.

I thought about it for a moment, an early memory of my mom feeding me as I struggled through my first grade word problems came to me. I thought of how my dad took me to the movies every Sunday and every time he bought me a warm pretzel with honey mustard dip. I thought of the big feelings and silent acknowledgements I received. I remembered a particular time I cried and no one noticed. And I desperately wanted someone to notice. I realize now - I learned to love in the way I was shown: cook elaborate meals, spend quality time, buy things and have conversations. Enough conversations so I seem present but perhaps not the ones I should really be having. But I pretend not to notice.

This conversation inspired my second prompt:

How were you loved?

Think about how you were loved growing up, or in your most impactful relationship. What did you keep from it and what did you give away? Think about how it translates into your love language today.

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Solo date idea: Take yourself to a play.

The Met Opera does Fridays Under 40. I recently took myself on a date to watch La Bohème, a vibrant production and timeless tragedy. Run time is 3+ hours so if that’s not your thing, leave after intermission.

In community,

Aaisha